The Missus Complains

The End-For Now

2006-04-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

With the new development of "us" being pregnant, the family has put pressure on me to start a baby blog. I have and this one sadly will have to fall by the wayside until further notice.

Posted by The Missus

Not a Kind Cut

2006-03-22T00:12:00.000-08:00

Medical School Guy writes about his first circumcision. It hurt just to read it. I wonder what we will do if we have a boy.

Posted by The Missus

No Peanut, No She-Nut, It's a Sprog!

2006-03-20T13:04:00.000-08:00

Since some friends of mine have taken to calling their unborn child, their Peanut, my husband gave ours the name Sprog. We're keeping things pretty low key until the 12 week mark, but are happy and excited.

Posted by The Missus

Is it a Peanut or a She-Nut?

2006-03-15T09:51:00.000-08:00

After 7 months of trying The Missus and The Mister are pregnant. This is my first pregnancy and so I am a bit nervous but in 6-7 weeks we can comfortably tell the rest of our friends and family about the baby.

I went in for my first ultrasound today and we were hoping to see the baby's beating heart but did not. The gyno figured I must be 5 weeks pregnant instead of 6 and so all we saw was a sac. If I did not know better, I would have guessed I just had gas.
I am feeling great, no morning sickness at all, a bit of water retention and weight gain from being indoors all winter. I need to work it off and eat better. All in all, we are excited and the Mister has been extremely doting. Running my belly and telling me he feels so serene. He actually has taken on a healthy glow himself. More later as the Peanut/She-Nut continues to grow.

The Traveling Salesman

2006-03-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

My husband is not a salesman but he does have to travel quite a bit for work. Oftentimes he is gone from 6-10 days. I used to feel glum as I drove him to the airport but this time I had my head up in the clouds.

The minute I got home I called my cleaning lady up and made an appointment for a thorough spring cleaning. She and I worked for 4 hours the first day and 3 hours the second day. The house was turned upside down and with no man in site. We dusted the furniture, oil the wood, cleaned all windows and glass, cleaned the oven, stove, under the kitchen sink, bathroom, even the balcony got a scrubbing. After the second day, I went out bought three bouquets of flowers and spread a little color and joy all over the apartment. With clean sheets on the bed, I was looking forward to a week of no black hairs from the electric razor in the sink, no under ware or socks on the floor, no extra dishes in the sink (as he can never bring himself to put them in the dishwasher). I was planning to just relish in a clean and beautified house. I went to lunch with some friends while he was gone, gave a little dinner party for 6, did errands, read a bunch of girlie magazine, and went to the mall. Now as he is due to come back home, I am antsy in a whole new way. I miss my husband.

Back from Hiatus

2006-02-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

After almost a month off I almost forgot about this blog. I am happy to report that somehow things have improved in Homer and Marge land. There is still no pregnancy to speak of and my gyno says that unless we have been trying for a year, he basically won't do a thing for us.

The new year has brought with it the realization we are still bound to one another and still living under the same roof even after all the stress and chaos of last year. We've made it one more year together. It is quite amazing really. My hours at work have increased a bit, I'm making some money again. The reliance I felt on my husband 6 months ago has somewhat mellowed. My independence level is back at perceivable levels and so is my mood. With my birtday coming up, I really have to take time to re-evaluate how to make my life more livable. And so the personal growth starts....

A New Year Full of Resolutions

2006-01-11T02:48:00.000-08:00

Along with thousands possibly millions of other Americans, I have been making my fair share of resolutions this 2006.

1. Get fit and get healthier, I am not getting any younger. We eat very well and over the past 6 months I have even been able to sneak some whole grain into our diets.

2. Make a for solid effort to keep in touch with family and friends. I am a fan of emails, letters, sending homemade CD's in the mail, no e-cards tho', and clipped out articles as well as little gifts here and there.

3. Stop extra spending and re-evaluate what is really important, basically get out of debt. Who does not have credit card debt, we just acquired some this year when we moved so now it's time to wipe it out.

4. Work on our marriage, Whew is a big one but we are committed. More later of course.

5. I forgot one more thing: Clean Up! Sadly but feverently I am thinning out our supply of stuff, old magazines, books, clothes stuff that out of date and taking up too much space.

More Computer Shit...

2005-12-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had a total meltdown. He has gotten into the habit of playing computer games until all hours of the night and stopping off at the computer between courses at dinner. After we finished our soup and salad and I began to cook the meat course, he stole off to the computer for a quick look at a game he was playing. The meat course was only going to take me 5-7 minutes.

Naturally this upset me and so I told him I deserved more respect as I try very hard to produce nice meals for him. From this day forward, if he so much as dared to run off to the computer between courses again. I would cease dinner preparations immediately and leave the kitchen to him.

2nd Best

2005-12-18T07:34:00.000-08:00

How do I get my husband away from his computer? I must confess I am online 24/7. I blog, I surf, I e-mail, I read the news BUT I am not glued to my machine. I cook, iron, vacuum, take the dog on walks, make the bed (sometimes), do dishes etc... When he is on his machine, he does not move. Often our weekends start at 2-3 p.m. since he is on his machine all morning long.

I know he has the right to have some free time but when do I have the right to get really mad? Yesterday I went out for 4 hours so he could have some free time. Today, Sunday I was hoping to do something together in the morning/afternoon. The day is slipping away and he always is "in the middle of something" on this machine. Does anyone else think this is unfair.

By Accident

2005-12-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

I just found this website and it is so freaky that I can't even imagine it's on the web.

Christmas Cards

2005-12-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

This is our first year of marriage and with marriage comes kids and a mini van but also the dreaded family Christmas card. I admit fully that this is my idea entirely but I wanted to send long lost friends and family a little something to let them know we were alive and kicking. I gathered up old photos from the last year, made a nifty collage and plan to get them color copied. On the back of said card, I have a list of the important events that happened to the hubby and to me. Our accomplishments, our failures, our up and our downs. This year was particularly eventful, we moved, we're trying for a child, we both had deaths in the family. Exciting as all this sounds, it is also very stressful. I am hoping that next year is a bit more low key.

My Man Has Hobbit Feet

2005-12-07T05:43:00.000-08:00

Just last night my man took off his shoes and asked me if I knew where the nail clippers were. Mind you he does not use regular nail clippers but the ones that look like a cross between pruning shears and surgical forceps. His toenails are thick and very cut resistant. Once a chip flew in my eye and almost blinded me.

Since he is not that flexible, for the past 2 years I have been helping him with this chore. I clip, chip, gouge and file in a vain attempt the make his toenails a bit tidier. With all the running he has been doing he has to keep them short or else they jam up against his running shoes. This causes black toe nails, something that he does not need, it does not go well with the athlete's foot fungus. My poor hubby I love him tons and tons but his poor feet are a real turn-off. I have asked him NEVER to take his shoes off in an enclosed space.

As for me my feet are a bit large 8.5 but perfect in every way.

The ZZZZ's

2005-12-07T05:29:00.000-08:00

What man does not snore, what man snores and admits he snores? Thank God we have a spare room. Sometimes the hubby wakes up and asks me if I'm mad at him most of the times I am not; it's the snoring that just keeps me awake. When he's had a few beers or a few glasses of wine I feel like I am camped out next to John Doe Homeless on the street corner and that just kills me.

Libido or lack thereof

2005-11-22T13:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, I have been just lazy lately. The marriage has been fine but last week we had s very interesting conversation. First let me fill you in on all the hidden background stuff...

My man was a real Casanova when I met him. He was dating around and had a reputation of being self-assured, arrogant and sometimes a real asshole. More than one person warned me not to believe some of the things he said as they are mostly tall tales of women, cars, and other conquests. Ahem, I think you get my point.

When we first started dating, he had the libido of a 25-year-old even though he was older. We could scarcely watch a movie at home without him trying to remove an article of clothing of mine, he had a double Jacuzzi jetted tub and we often took baths together, we often crawled into bed right after dinner and left the dishes on the dining room table.

Fast forward to last week.

I ask "Honey, are we just going to have conception sex and none of the fun stuff? Can you even remember the last time you kissed me on the mouth?"

Silence. "I think 4 days ago."

"We've been using up KY like crazy since we're only having sex to have a kid."

He replies "Well my libido is not what it used to be, after 2002 it started going a bit downhill. I used to need to do at least 6-8 girls a week."

"I know, I've heard about your escapades from your friends. Can I get some of that or is your wife off-limits?"

"I can't explain it, I don't know what to tell you, I'm just not that interested."

"You know what they say about women in their 30's, we're the horniest beasts alive."

He chuckles "Yeah, when I was 19 and 20, I remember a few 30-year-olds."

I promptly elbow him in the ribs.

"Why am I getting the shaft?" I ask.

"You are not getting the shaft, I love you more than anyone and you are my favorite."

"Can you show me I'm your favorite with an erect penis?"

More silence.

"You are so crass."

"Horny nights call for crass measures." I reply.

Nada.

The End

Secret Sauce

2005-11-10T01:20:00.000-08:00

Our lives are trudging steadily along better than last month. We had a few guests come over; it's amazing to see how good friends can lift your spirits. The hubby was happy, conversational, and really delighted to have the company. We went out to dinner, walked about town and basically hung out as we got to know one another again.

Our one year anniversary is coming up very soon. I have not felt like a newlywed in many, many months. This move, this job that he hates, my homesickness all have taken a toll on our marriage. For my anniversary I've asked for a home cooked meal by my husband. He is a great cook and for the last 8 months has not lifted a finger in the kitchen. I hope to get his creative juices flowing again, as he used to be very proud of is skills.

Sometime almost two years ago, I came over to his apartment for a little dinner and dessert. While I was eating a homemade pear strudel we chatted:

"Wow, did you make this?" I ask.

"Yes I did, want to know my secret?" he asks?

"Yeah sure, what's your secret?"

"It's the sauce, it's creme anglaise" we say creme anglaise in
unison.

"I know what sauce this is, I make it myself" I say. "It's fantastic."

"You know how many girls I've gotten with that sauce and my pear strudel?"

"No, how many?"

"Lots."

"Really, do they basically start stripping and gyrating after the first bite?"

"Yeah,basically."

"Well I am not most girls!" I proceed to throw a well aimed fork right at his
shoulder. I think that taught him a lesson.

"Ouch, you threw a fork at me."

"And my point is, don't say things you know I won't like. Especially while I am eating."

The End

Conception Denied

2005-11-02T03:05:00.000-08:00

After a month of really trying, ovulation test kits and the like, we are not pregnant. The hubby says the stress of it all is preventing me from getting knocked up. This month we are going to try again. When he came to bed last night he claimed I was totally unapproachable and rude. I remember nothing...He used the words "elbow, eye, yelled and snoring" all in the same sentence. Was I really such a boar? Our schedules are still not in sync and so it's hard. Why does he not get this. There are days we have to do it! I know my body and know about when the right time is. I don't want to go to bed, fall asleep and be awaken for conception sex...that is something that will surely make someone grumpy. How about you fertilize me then go back to your computer game so I can get some uninterrupted rest?

What can you tolerate?

2005-10-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This post is a bit gross but funny too...

I wonder after living with someone for months, years or even decades, what are some things you learn to tolerate and what are things that will get on your nerves forever more.

Here's my list:

Things I tolerate:

1. He leaves the seat up on the toilet.
2. When I use this comb or brush he takes the hair out of it and throws it in my sink, (we have 2 sinks in the bathroom.)
3. On occasion he will use my toothbrush.
4. He's been really gassy lately, new diet I guess.
5. His feet are not gorgeous, the words Hobbit, athlete's foot and stinky come to mind.
6. He wears a ton of cologne and it can be stifling.
7. He is a messy eater.
8. He tracks in dirt and crap from the street every other day.
9. He leaves windows open when the heat is on.
10. Once in a while he takes the change that I leave on the dresser.

Things I cannot stand:
1. He leaves dirty dishes all in this office and I have to put them in the dishwasher.
2. His smoking.
3. He does not do a courtesy flush.
4. He does not practice the art of courtesy toilet scrubbing.
5. He leaves clothes on my side of the bedroom aka my side of the bed.
6. He snores.
7. He'll watch a TV program and then go to his office leaving the TV on and the volume on full blast.
8. He only drinks carbonated water. So I always have to buy it special.
9. He has hair growing out of his ears that he does not readily let my pluck.
10. He refuses to finish one book at a time, all the while leaving half read books all over the house.

Do you have a list?

Conception Sex

2005-10-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

Let's face it conception sex really sucks! It's boring and a whole lot of work.

A bit of history:

After being married for 6 months, we have decided to try for a child. My husband says he is a baby making machine and for me not to worry, I will get pregnant. How do we know he is a baby making machine, he once got a girlfriend pregnant that was using an IUD for birth control. Three months later nothing. I am attributing the unsuccessful attempts to the fact that my body is still normalizing after getting off the Pill, which I have taken for over 10 years.

This month however, I aim to succeed. We purchased some ovulation kits, followed the directions to the "T" and now are sitting back and waiting. The sex was laborious and not too fun, it was more like a job, which took the enjoyment out of it.

"Honey, the pee stick says we have to do it tonight and the next 4 days in a row." says the Missus.

"Okay."

"Can you come to bed at around midnight, I don't want to do it after I've fallen fast asleep." asks the Missus.

"Okay."

"When are you coming to bed?" asks the Missus.

"Soon."

"Okay, good night." says the Missus.

Not very passionate and exciting is it. Well, it's conception sex what did you expect.

All Ends Well

2005-10-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

We are getting along better this week. This past weekend I was feeling neglected and bored. He was a bit under the weather and tired from the week's activities. I tried to engage him but he was not interested. We crossed paths all Saturday long until I was at my wits end. When he does not respond to me, I often take stabs at him to get some kind of reaction. This time it had the effect I wanted. He stopped what he was doing, all 7 hours of it and paid attention to "us". We make plans for dinner and went out. The night was just what the doctor ordered. He commented that I still seemed grumpy and yes I was, I don't take kindly to being ignored for the better part of the day. Still we ended up having a nice time and everything ended quite well.

Back in the Saddle

2005-10-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

The "man" is back and once again there is someone to warm the bed beside me. I thought I even missed his snoring while he was away. When I heard that familiar chortle and drone, I realized I did not. I did however miss having someone in the house with me. Being alone was never my forte and the day after he left I felt myself experiencing a bit of anxiety. That week I ate alone, slept alone and stayed up late because I dreaded an empty bed. Living solo is not my cup of tea.

While he was gone I distracted myself to make time march forward a bit less noticeably. I cleaned the house throughly, dusted, swept, mopped, vacuumed. I wrote letters, composed e-mails and organized everything...I dealt better with the alone time than I thought I would, except I did make one call to the crisis hotline. It was on the night he went away, I thought I was having an anxiety attack and needed someone to calm me down. After the chat, they had to go b/c someone else needed attention. It helped a bit, mostly I felt silly for having called. After a good cry, I fell into a fitful but long sleep.

Absence Makes the Heart . . . .

2005-09-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

My husband has been gone for almost a week. I miss him and think about him all the time but when he is not around I do for myself. I eat simply, clean up after myself, read, watch movies, chat online with friends and family etc.... you know what I mean. I am okay. I know he is not here, I don't expect anything. I just miss him.

When he is around, I love it and hate it at the same time. When he's here I want him to spend time with me. Quality time not all his time (I know the difference). I want him to look at me when I talk to him, push back against me and squeeze back when I hug him, hold my hand, kiss me on the cheek but lately none of this has been happening. When he is here and ignores me, it upsets and infuriates me. I expect things then get hurt when I am let down. I can't win can I?

Un-Emotional

2005-09-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

This week the hubby is gone on business. I have written him a note a day, so far it's day 4. Half of them are heavy and sad, half of them are short and sweet. The heavy ones are mainly about how I feel right now, how I wish we melded better and how I am missing my family, how I hope he understands that I am not myself right now. The other night he said he was not sure how to get me out of this phase and asked me why I seemed to want to destroy myself and our relationship. I have no answers, I don't know why.....All I know is that I am a bit depressed.

In the past I have written him short notes, sweet ones. Sometimes he does not comment on them or he reads them and casts them aside. I'm not sure what they mean to him. I am one of the only people I know that has, not only now, but since I was a child taken the time and the caring to handwrite notes/letters/thank-you cards to friends and family. He often does not acknowledge them. I have to ask if he received my note, what did he think etc....Why is getting him to open up like pulling teeth? Are all men like this? I swear he was not this bad when we were dating. When he comes home this weekend, I hope he takes the time to read them. I hope he sees that I realize my faults and deficiencies and want him to let me know how I can be a better partner to him. Maybe he will offer a bit of the same.

The Honeymoon is Over

2005-09-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

I often wonder how long one should wait and how much one should bear before just throwing in the towel and saying "I'm not happy" or "This relationship is no longer satisfying." I feel very close nowadays. Although I love this man, this is not my dream relationship.

Would This Bother You?

2005-09-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

Last night after a late night out, the hubby goes up to the apartment as I park the car. I am without house keys. By the time I end up at the front door, it's 3 am. I knock and have to call him on his cell phone a few times before he opens up. I can hear him in his office on the computer.

After he goes to bed, I go over to see when he was so busy working on that he could not open the door right away for me. I see a short note to his ex about how old her baby is.

The next morning he tells me since is going on a business trip to City XYZ, he is going to buy a gift for a male friends' baby and wanted to get his exes baby a gift too. He said he was gonna mail it to her. Yeah right! He has not contacted his ex is 2 years, they are not friends, she is a psycho bitch who crashed his car, cheated on him, let her druggie brother into their apt. (in which he stole a few things), so needless to day they have not kept in touch.

I questioned him and he said he thought it might be a nice idea, I thought it was inappropriate. It hurt me to think he was thinking about her baby and maybe her too. He thinks I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He said outright that he did not think he was doing wrong by me in any way? He agreed not to buy the baby anything if it bugged me so much, but he just could not understand why it bugged me at all? What do you think?

Pack Rat

2005-09-21T02:17:00.000-07:00

My husband loves to hold on to things. Sentimental things I can understand, you go back to them once in a while and look them over. They are precious in their own way. But what's the use to keeping things you never go back and look at. For example, as I was doing some spring cleaning, I found over 200 pages of e-mail that my husband printed out from his old love. They had a tragic romance, once they broke it off they kept clinging on to one another for 3-4 more years. It's a heart wrenching story, part of me wishes they could have worked out their differences. He even asked her to marry him but she did not answer, after what he did to her, she was a destroyed woman. Part of me want to reach out to her and contact her but I know this would be wrong.

I get glimpses of him life from all the things he's saved. Photos of his first marriage, old notes (not in English), old cards. I learn more about him from my own personal research. He keeps asking me if I can somehow prevent myself from reading everything that I come across, I said emphatically, "NO". When I see these things they make me wonder about the man he was before we met. All I end up with are questions.

"Do you still think "old love #1" is your best fit? Will you always love her, or has our love begun to heal your old wounds?"

"Do you wish "old love #1" would have taken you back then? What about now?"

"Will you do to me what you did to her?"

"Do you love me more than you loved her?"

"Have you changed for good?"

Questions, Insecurities, they come with the territory when you snoop. I know this, I accept this. I know more about my husband from his mother, his friends than from him. When I find a new piece of the puzzle, we talk about it. My knowledge grows and hopefully we grow.

A Way to Bide my Time

2005-09-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

After not having a job for quite a while, I finally started working again this week. It's a very part-time job and although it does not pay very much, it will keep me out of the house for a few hours a day. I've not been dealing with being alone all day very well at all. Mostly I am napping, watching movies, eating, surfing the web and doing a whole lot of nothing. I have gained about 5 pounds in 6 months, not a ton, but enough to make me feel really lethargic.

The hubby is pissed at work, after his day is over he sits at the computer for the rest of the night. This pattern is getting on my nerves but I'm not sure how to change it.

I Take that Back

2005-09-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was feeling lovey and I wrote my hubby a note and left it in his underwear drawer. I could not wait for him to find it the next morning but when he came home that afternoon he was grumpy and said a few not-so-nice things. As the night worn on he did not get any better so I went to his underwear drawer took the note out and threw it away.

Unbearable

2005-09-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend while my husband and I were away on a short trip, I was being grumpy and he asked me if I realized how unbearable I had become. I told him I knew to some extent but didn't care and most of the time did not feel well enough to do anything about it. This sort of behavior is so unlike me. Naturally I am a people pleaser, I bend over backwards to help others, be courteous and so forth. Part of him hates when I am difficult but I also think her understands too, he was depressed once.

He came up with a thoughtful plan for the both of us. He has announced that he has made and executive decision. Once a month we will go away on a weekend trip in the hopes of getting some private time for ourselves. I like this idea a lot and told me if I have the energy then it's all systems go. Truly I am going to put my best foot forward and attempt not to sabotage his efforts.

A Better Week?

2005-09-08T01:29:00.000-07:00

This week has been a bit better for me. I went out with 2 friends and out to dinner one evening with my husband. At dinner I got to spend time with a male co-worker of my husbands. We sat next to each other and dinner and I was acutely aware of this presence. He was his usual gentlemanly self. I felt a slight attraction, especially when we started eating off each others plates. No one said anything, my husband did not seem to notice much. After dinner we went out for drinks and I was sure not to sit by him again.

Double Standards

2005-09-05T02:43:00.000-07:00

We had a nice weekend, relaxing and not too stressful. I finally went on a little run. He did 8 miles and I did 2 for my first time in a year. My legs were sore for the rest of the weekend but as of today the soreness is gone.

About double standards, when I want a hug or kiss and he is busy, he shakes me off and says "not now" or "later". When I am in the middle of cooking dinner or doing the dishes and he comes to give me a hug from behind or a kiss on the back of the neck, and I shake him off, he gets offended. Why can he get offended but when I am disregarded, I have to just understand and wait until he feels like throwing me a bone. Doesn't seem fair to me.

To Try or Not to Try

2005-09-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

We had a chat last night after dinner and he was in a good mood. He listened, gave me feedback and in the end we settled nothing, there was no argument. We just talked about his stress level and how I felt I needed a bit more attention. I requested a good hug once a day, a meaningful kiss once a day and a hug either in the morning when I get up or at night when I go to bed. If this "laundry list" seemed to demanding I asked him to let me know. He acknowledged that I seem more fragile these days and he would try his best to give me extra attention.

When someone tries we all know it and when they say they will try but don't, then we know that too. I am hoping he can take the time out to try. I cook when I don't want to, I iron, I take out the garbage, I do the laundry and all the other housework, this man does nada around the house (this was our agreement) and so I hope this is not too much to ask. We'll see.

Do We Mesh?

2005-09-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

Do we mesh sexually? It's a question I think many couples ask themselves. I do not wonder if we love each other, that's a given and the answer to that is an emphatic yes.

When I look at him, I love what I see. He is handsome, smells great all the time, he's well groomed, dresses well and generally a good looking man. In bed he is thoughtful and gentle but with the perfect amount of passion and roughness too. Why am I complaining then....Well, he does not talk to me in bed, I ask him to tell me what he likes but he stays silent. Could it be that he still is not comfortable enough with me? I enjoy his kisses, they could be better, he has these sort of still lips and relies on his tongue much more that I am used to. When I think of being seduced, my husbands "techniques" do not come to mind. I have asked him to do this or do that and he responds with some enthusiasm but then he ends up saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks."

Doctor's Visit

2005-09-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

We had a better day today. I had a doctor's appointment and he took me at 10:30 a.m. sharp. He knows how I love to be on time or early. This is a man that takes time off work to come and sit in a waiting room while I go about my business. When I rant about him, I rant but when he deserves it, I rave. Afterwards, we went home has lunch and he went off to work.

To reply to the advice of the sheriff, we are trying for a baby so all drugs are a no-no.

To drew, I am considering exercise but the energy level is pretty low. Also morning and evening bj's are semi normal in our home. Sex life is low, only once in the last two weeks.

Energetically Challenged

2005-08-31T01:08:00.000-07:00

No energy... Low energy...The Blah's.....
I wish I could read the paper, go to a movie during the day, watch TV a little....I can't. I don't know the language well enough.

I gave up a large home and garden to live in an apartment, he has always lived in apartments. He likes city life and I don't. I listen to all your advice and appreciate all the suggestions but what it boils down to is that....I am depressed. I don't want to do much of anything. This city is not a welcoming one and the people are not friendly towards strangers, so it is a bit more difficult that I first imagined. I go out on my own once in a while and feel no pleasure, so I just come home again. Part of me feels I just need to sit with this, think on my life, my situation and wait until my negativity passes.

My biggest problem is I feel alone. Last night my goal was to get a kiss from my husband, I got 4 pecks. We went to bed and he was exhausted and pretty much fell asleep. I told him how I was feeling and he said that when I say the same thing everyday, one day it's a kiss and the next a hug....All he hears is he is not good enough. I explained nicely that I mention it (I don't think everyday) because I am missing it and need it so. But to avoid a fight I went into the living room and put on a Disney movie to calm me and then I fell asleep.

He loves me I know. An lately I have been getting more resentful he says and venomous. I say things I shouldn't because I'm hurting and don't know how to get is attention. I don't know who else to tell but him. To his credit he did say he knows I am in pain and if he could take it away he would. I pray for myself, even though I am not a Christian and I pray for all the hurricane victims, one blew away my home when I was a child. I knew the power wind and rain can possess.

Who's Depressed Here?

2005-08-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

Last summer was the worst summer of my life. My then boyfriend just quit a 110K a year job for a company he was working for. He had been with said company for over 10 years and he got really depressed. I was only one of a few girls he was dating but in the end, I stuck it out with him the best and so he and I became an item and started seeing each other exclusively. When I first met him, he was a gem of a man, really exciting and he spoiled me rotten. But after a year with no job, he was going downhill fast. Not long after he quit his job, he lost control of his finances and I had to take over. I am still in debt because of this.

It had been getting progressively worse when one day, I noticed I really had to do something. I called a psychiatrist and began begging him to go for a visit and take meds for his depression. He was going for a few weeks then on a weekend trip away, I noticed he was really slipping away and called for an emergency doctors visit. I went with him this time and told the doctor the real story, he was not taking care of himself, not eating, sitting at the computer for hours, dragged dog shit into the house and did not clean it up, bad news really. The doctor asked if he needed to be hospitalized and I said "not yet." We tried all kinds of meds for his symptoms, anti-psychotics for the bad thoughts he was having, lithium, in case he was manic depressive, one to help him sleep and one for the depression. A last resort if all the meds did not work, was the electroshock therapy, we were close... After the first day I went with him to the doctors, he asked me to come from then on, we were a team he said and he needed my input.

Long story short, all the pills did something to him, he says they did nothing, but I disagree. You can't take all those meds and it not have an effect. Anyways I think they jolted his mind and body somehow, slowly he got better. We were married in a "quickie" ceremony at his suggestion and became man and wife. Now that we have moved and he is showing the same signs again I think he may be depressed. We talked about this last night and he has started running again to try to pull himself upright. He's doing well and looks fantastic, he says though it is me who is slipping downward. In my mind I had already stuck this man for worse and I could not wait for the for better part to start, it hasn't yet.

I feel strange, I never thought I could ever become depressed, I'm too positive. He says I am resentful, angry and venomous almost all the time now. It's true I don't leave the house much, it's true I have no one here, and it's true I've been having bad thoughts. Last night he said "I'm used to pain, and I wish I could take your pain away." I felt a bit better, he understands. I do feel a bit sad and like things are hopeless here. We can't move and I am trapped in this place. I can make the best of it I suppose but there is no inclination and no energy.

Our Situation

2005-08-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

I want to describe our situation a bit... My husband is at a job he hates, we've moved somewhere we both hate for this job, we have no family or friends here and this is why were are both stressed.

After work he is tired, he sits at the computer all night, taking a short 30 min. break for dimmer. When he does this he says he is not ignoring me. Anyways I am looking at ways to break up the monotony and we do things together on the w-e. But still we are not in a happy place.

Last night at the video store, I said "I wanna watch a movie with some sex in it, since I'm not getting any." He blew up and marched out of the place. It's true we're not having sex, I go to bed at midnight and he at 2 am, almost every night. All other times he says he's not in the mood. He acted this way last summer when he was really depressed. Last summer he actually said "Please Don't!" whenever I tried to "come-on" to him. I don't know what to do? How long am I supposed to deal with this. 6 months? 1 year?

The 4 A's

2005-08-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

I was listening to an radio show a while back and they were talking about marriage. What I picked up was there are three good reasons to leave a marriage. Basically 3 A's:

1. Addiction(s)
2. Abuse
3. Affairs

I think there needs to be a 4th A and that is

4. Apathy

If I was not married to you I would ditch you and say to myself "he's just not that into me." But I can't, not yet, you are just too far away from me right now. Even having sex with you is no fun anymore. You lie there, say nothing, do you feel anything for me anymore? It gets harder and harder everyday.

How was dinner alone tonight? You work, I cook, shop, iron, clean. I agreed to all that, I have no problem with it but every night that you choose to let me go to bed alone, you will now eat alone. I don't want to argue but for you to see you are not treating me with respect and with regard. We've talked about it and there has been no change, this is a desperate attempt.

Turn the Chainsaw Off!

2005-08-27T04:27:00.000-07:00

It's 4:27 a.m., what the hell am I doing up? So you decided to come to bed at 2:30 a.m., then you claim you can't sleep. There has never been a time in which your head hit the pillow and you were lying vertically, that you could not sleep. Well maybe once. I give you a cuddle, a back rub and soon I can feel you relaxing and breathing deeply. Finally! You deserve some rest, I know that work was not a cup of tea today.

Now I'm wide awake, not because I'm not sleepy but because the decibels that are resonating from your mouth and nose are hurting my ears. Why do men snore? I think I do too, you've said so but not every night and not like a chainsaw, I think like a cute little bird or puppy. Plus I sleep on my stomach.

Remember when we first met and you claimed you did not snore and no other girlfriend, your ex-wife included, had ever complained. Well those women were either saints, deaf in one or both ears or wearing ear plugs. I had to do a sound recording on my digital camera to get you to believe me, after I took a few nude photos of you with your mouth open of course. Anyways, you keep saying to poke and turn you, well I don't like to do that cuz it wakes you up. I'd rather get up a while, let you have the bed to yourself and when I'm drop dead tired, I'll come to bed and place a pillow over your head....Gently.

Cranky

2005-08-26T10:37:00.000-07:00

When someone is cranky, in a bad mood, for reasons they can't put their finger on. But it's not an ache or pain, they did not get fired and they did not get in a car wreck, do they have an obligation to themselves and to those in their lives to try to lift the black cloud? Maybe take a bath, see a comedy, go on a run, take a walk, listen to some music... What do you think?

Or do you think that just doing nothing, and forcing your partner to eat alone, possible sleep alone or to just having to deal with not being able to interact with you an okay thing? So your in a bad mood, you have been quite a bit more lately. What am I supposed to do? Just make your dinner, eat in silence and spend time by myself until I'm exhausted and fall into bed? Well?

Imperfections

2005-08-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

Today I told a friend I had this blog and did not tell her the address or the title as she didn’t ask. She is married too and much more private than I am. Often she has listened to my rants and provided a good bit of support; but this time she seemed a bit upset. We did not talk about it, I mean she does not know how much I need a place to vent. Most likely she is troubled by the fact that I have so many bad things to say about my husband. He’s not perfect and I’m not either. We do love people for their imperfections don’t we? Here are a list of mine:

1. I get dandruff in the winter.
2. If it’s yellow I let it mellow, if it’s brown it goes down.
3. I talk to much.
4. I like to pull the hair out of my hubby’s ears, he does not like it.
5. I love the dog too much, blowing kisses on his belly, that kind of too much.
6. I add water to the juice, the whole milk and other overly concentrated liquids.
7. Ketchup goes with everything.
8. After I use a hair brush, I do not remove my hair from it.
9. I clean obsessively.
10. Making the bed is a problem for me.

How I Feel Today

2005-08-25T06:23:00.000-07:00

It's a bit cloudy and dark today, I have not left the house and have no intention to; oo this is a fitting song. There's not much going on here.

My husband has decided to go on a diet. I think he got tired of me asking him if he was wearing a belt or not. He loves to eat really healthily for about 2 weeks, then binge on crap for a week or so. So my new menus are "carbo free" or "carbo reduced". I don't mind it really. I like to cook but to have a break is good too.

I want to shake him and say "Come on darling, when your 40+ and not a young stud anymore; what did you think 8-10 hours in front of a screen were going to do to your dashing figure. I just hope you stick to it this time."

Into Thin Air

2005-08-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

I feel even my constructive complaints to my husband are going in one ear and out the other and simply vanishing into thin air. He looks at me and listens but seems powerless to do anything. I know I am a bit depressed and I fear he is becoming depressed again as well. The new job is not all he expected, the boss sucks, his co-workers aren't worth a grain of salt and so he is miserable.

What do I do when he is stressed and won't come to bed? I am getting sick and tired to going to bed alone. I have told him a nice, long hug or even a "quickie" once in a while would break up the monotony of NOTHING... He hasn't taken me up on it and I haven't been much in the mood to care. All I know is I wish the fucking DSL would quit so he could at least read a bit and exercise him mind instead of just numbing it in front of the laptop.

Eyebrows

2005-08-24T00:59:00.000-07:00

I still care how my eyebrows look, does that mean I'm not as suicidal as I think?

Short Term

2005-08-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

I threw a fit about 2 weeks ago, a justified one. "Listen" I said to him "Were both stressed and unhappy right now right?" "But caging yourself up away from me is not the solution." This was followed by me throwing something soft into his office for emphasis. We chatted and for the next two weeks, he was a bit more balanced. Now that he two weeks is over, I feel like I live alone again. In two day, I received three 10 second hugs. And no I am not fat...yet.... I think I will turn into every husbands nightmare if he keeps ignoring me though. His changes were only short term.

Complaint #1

2005-08-06T05:19:00.000-07:00

My first complaint:

I hate it when I make meals and my husband does not come to the table b/c he is finishing a computer game. I real reason like a work phone call, a true errand, traffic problems, are all fine. A stupid computer game is not okay, it’s selfish and when he does this, I want to throw the whole meal in the garbage. Usually I tell him dinner will be ready in 15, 10 , 5 minutes…NOW! And if he does not come I just start eating and hating him.

I am Anonymous

2005-08-06T03:43:00.000-07:00

I did not add any information to my profile because I really want to remain anonymous. This was I can really feel free to say anything and everything, without fear of embarrassing my husband or myself. I keep a small handwritten diary but it’s small and inconvenient which is why I have decided to vent, bitch, moan and complain online. Lately things have been shitty and I have no one else to vent to right now, I have moved to a new town and know no one, so he is my first choice. This has become a problem and so I have to bitch elsewhere. This I hope helps our marriage and takes the pressure off him for a while. He did say that complaints once in a while are okay but all the time and all day are wearing on him and pushing him away. I don't want that. I want to communicate openly with him but understand that all my negative communication is not okay, or helpful in any way whatsoever. I am going to stop bending is ear and start bitching with my fingertips here goes:

Test #1

2005-08-06T03:04:00.000-07:00

Let the complaining begin.